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I see their desperation to escape the handsome prince, to flee the happy ending imposed on them, to fold those three glorious gowns into a walnut shell and run far from the palace. Bernard was inclined to suspect his brother of a practical joke. The days get dark early, the sky is continually overcast, and the wind whips the sea into rough, choppy waves, bent on dashing the small fishing boats against the cliffs.

They always tell the story wrong.


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There was no wicked fairy, no thieving father or nagging mother, nobody locked in a tower, and certainly no heroic, handsome prince. I do have nice hair, though. They got that part right, at least.

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Madame and Monsieur LeBrun are in very good health for their age. Indeed, the nice young lady doctor at their local clinic would probably be surprised if she knew just how old they were. He's pretty much set on killing every Geat ever, and the only reason he stops is because Beowulf shows up with Wiglaf to take him out. Still, the dragon manages to fatally wound Beowulf in one last act of dickishness.

What Beowulf 's asshole dragon began, Smaug perfected.

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Tolkien calls his dragon "especially greedy," and seeing as Beowulf's dragon lost his shit over a single cup, this is clearly saying something. Not only did he sieze the kingdom of the Lonely Mountain from the dwarves who lived their, co-opting their treasure, but he also decimated the nearby town of Dale, just for kicks, seemingly.

And when King Thorin attempts to take his birthright back, he angrily decides to destroy Lake-town for "helping" him, even though they really didn't. Basically, Smaug pulls the same shit the dragon in Beowulf does, except no one even steals a cup from him. And don't even get me started on how smug he is when Bilbo starts calling him crap like the Tremendous, the Mighty, the Unassessably Wealthy, and the Chiefest and Greatest of All Calamities….

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Compared to Smaug and Beowulf's foe, Drogon — Daenerys' biggest and most unruly young dragon — is practically a saint by comparison. However, he's still a massive jerk when compared to his smaller, calmer brothers Rhaegal and Viserion. Like his namesake, Drogon is incredibly aggressive and completely unafraid of humans or consequences. Maybe this will pay off when Daenerys returns to Westeros, but for now Drogon is just a pain in her ass, slaughtering her subjects' sheep, killing her subjects' sheep, and attacking whoever or whatever the hell he feels like.

Dude, your mom is currently trying to rule Meereen and your bullshit is not helping. Can't you appreciate the political instability here? The titular dragon of Dragonball — Shenron, who shows up to grant a wish when all seven Dragonballs are gathered together — isn't exactly a peach.

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Seeing as he'll grant anybody's wish, no matter how good, evil or dumb it is, he's actually pretty passive-aggressive to the human race, truth be told. But he doesn't hold a candle to Syn Shenron, one the seven evil dragons created when the Dragonballs cracked from a build-up of negative energy in the third anime series.

He's selfish, insulting, and is not at all interested in a fair fight, which more or less makes him the most diabolically evil person in the entire Dragonball universe.

This is way worse than ripping the universe in two which is something he also tries to do, for the record. Sure, destroying the universe is one thing, but not respecting the sanctity of a fight?! Okay, Godzilla's three-headed foe has a different origin in pretty much every monster movie he's starred in, and in most of them he comes from space and is controlled by aliens.

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Still, he has wings, scales and a breath attack — and a space dragon is a still a dragon, right? And he's not lacking in the asshole department.

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First of all, anyone who refers to himself as King is a self-important douchebag, even if he does have royal blood flowing in his three necks which is not, to our knowledge, the case. In the present, he attacks Earth again, but this time specifically to eat human children. It should be noted that King Ghidorah was completely okay with eating adults, but he much preferred eating children. More like veal, I guess.


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  8. Despite having the greatest dragon name of all time, Vermithrax is absolutely one of the biggest assholes in dragon-dom as a prime example of one of the species' creepiest hobbies — eating virgins. In the movie Dragonslayer , Mr. Perjorative has assaulted the nearby kingdom of Urland until they agree to offer it a young virgin girl every six months as a sacrifice, selected by a lottery, which Vermithrax and his brood then snack on. Take a moment to think about how insanely creepy this is.

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    Why do they eat virgins? Is it a cultural thing, like restricting yourself to kosher food?

    Do they taste better than non-virgins? Isn't the only difference between a virgin and a non-virgin an intact hymen? Are hymens like hot fudge topping for dragons?